I apologize for not writing in so long… life happened & i got busy. More importantly, i’ve been neglecting my need to get my thoughts out.
Where to start….
I’m still dating the same guy. He’s amazing. But i just get frustrated & maybe its because i think about things for way too long before addressing it. Then I feel like the moments past. We just came back from a week & some vacation. Just the two of us. It took us a bit to get the hang of things since we both were kind of out of our comfort zones. But I guess that when you really discover yourself or the other person. We went to a music fest & truly had a blast. It felt so nice being with him & learning how its to be together without any distractions. I heard him call me his girlfriend. And in that moment I should have said something. Am I getting a title here? Did we just cross a hurdle I know nothing about? But of course I just nodded. I think out of shock. But something like that… I would have thought would have been brought up further. I dunno. You know over dinner not just in passing convos with other people. I’m probably just overthinking it. I don’t want to bring it up now since the moment has past. And I don’t wanna be “that girl.” But now just want that moment back please so I can at least comment. But any ways we are home now. Living an hour & 15 mins apart. How can we go from being inseparable, having the time of our lives, to this? Probably because reality hit. We are back to texting all day & have no solid plans as to when we can see each other. But dammit I want more. We talk of the future & things we are gonna do next. But why cant we talk present. Like when the fuck are you planning on seeing me again. Then yesterday he mentions he is hanging out with his niece (same age as him) & her friend. He’s mentioned her to me plenty of times. And I’ve met her. By why said “her friend” & not mention if its a girl or a boy. And come to find out they hung out again tonight. AGAIN! Like really…. “her friend.” Something just seems off. But of course I didnt ask. Instead im overthinking it & now blogging it. I think having an official title would reassure me that he’s still not on the hunt if her friend happens to be a female. I know im being ridiculous but im allowed to be. Dammit i want more!!
What else…. Hmmmm
I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I had an ovarian cyst the size of a baseball that had to be removed. It was not fun at all (wouldnt recommend it ever). Ive been on a treatment plan & its not working. So I went to the doctor’s today. And he gives me 2 options: permanent or menopause. While both sound amazing but thats it. Thats all you got for me. Like are you fucking kidding me. I wouldnt mind the whole idea of permanent (meaning not having any more kids) but when someone takes that option away from you. You kinda want it more than ever. I dont want permanent, you just never know. And while hot flashes & vaginal dryness sound like a blast. Im not by any means near that age yet nor do I want to give up sex. And the meds they give you to jump start menopause is horrid. Its the same meds they give men for prostate cancer. With the added bonus of side effects. Ummm let me think about that. NO! So i’m basically out of options. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO. Just want more options. I need more options. This cant be the fork in the road.
Then… We have family drama. Its simple. I help run our family business & my mom decides she wants to fuck me over. Awesome! Wonderful! And all I can say is Good Luck & im out. Its time to move forward & away. Maybe later in life I’ll be able to forgive & forget. But right now. I cant. I need a fresh start away from those I love but have disappointed me the most.
So i guess my answer to all my frustration is a bit of rebellion. Ive been wanting a tattoo sleeve forever. I just think its so badass & i could totally rock one. So i’m getting tatted up on Thursday. Just my inner bicep as a start. We’ll see if I get more. But i’m getting tatted by an amazing artist who I’ve been following for sometime. And i’m super excited. More importantly it’s just my way to tell life that i’m still in control. I want more. And that there has to be something better for me.