Frustrated with life…

I apologize for not writing in so long… life happened & i got busy. More importantly, i’ve been neglecting my need to get my thoughts out.

Where to start….

I’m still dating the same guy. He’s amazing. But i just get frustrated & maybe its because i think about things for way too long before addressing it. Then I feel like the moments past. We just came back from a week & some vacation. Just the two of us. It took us a bit to get the hang of things since we both were kind of out of our comfort zones. But I guess that when you really discover yourself or the other person. We went to a music fest & truly had a blast. It felt so nice being with him & learning how its to be together without any distractions. I heard him call me his girlfriend. And in that moment I should have said something. Am I getting a title here? Did we just cross a hurdle I know nothing about? But of course I just nodded. I think out of shock. But something like that… I would have thought would have been brought up further. I dunno. You know over dinner not just in passing convos with other people. I’m probably just overthinking it. I don’t want to bring it up now since the moment has past. And I don’t wanna be “that girl.” But now just want that moment back please so I can at least comment. But any ways we are home now. Living an hour & 15 mins apart. How can we go from being inseparable, having the time of our lives, to this? Probably because reality hit. We are back to texting all day & have no solid plans as to when we can see each other. But dammit I want more. We talk of the future & things we are gonna do next. But why cant we talk present. Like when the fuck are you planning on seeing me again. Then yesterday he mentions he is hanging out with his niece (same age as him) & her friend. He’s mentioned her to me plenty of times. And I’ve met her. By why said “her friend” & not mention if its a girl or a boy. And come to find out they hung out again tonight. AGAIN! Like really…. “her friend.” Something just seems off. But of course I didnt ask. Instead im overthinking it & now blogging it. I think having an official title would reassure me that he’s still not on the hunt if her friend happens to be a female. I know im being ridiculous but im allowed to be. Dammit i want more!!

What else…. Hmmmm

I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I had an ovarian cyst the size of a baseball that had to be removed. It was not fun at all (wouldnt recommend it ever). Ive been on a treatment plan & its not working. So I went to the doctor’s today. And he gives me 2 options: permanent or menopause. While both sound amazing but thats it. Thats all you got for me. Like are you fucking kidding me. I wouldnt mind the whole idea of permanent (meaning not having any more kids) but when someone takes that option away from you. You kinda want it more than ever. I dont want permanent, you just never know. And while hot flashes & vaginal dryness sound like a blast. Im not by any means near that age yet nor do I want to give up sex. And the meds they give you to jump start menopause is horrid. Its the same meds they give men for prostate cancer. With the added bonus of side effects. Ummm let me think about that. NO! So i’m basically out of options. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO. Just want more options. I need more options. This cant be the fork in the road.

Then… We have family drama. Its simple. I help run our family business & my mom decides she wants to fuck me over. Awesome! Wonderful! And all I can say is Good Luck & im out. Its time to move forward & away. Maybe later in life I’ll be able to forgive & forget. But right now. I cant. I need a fresh start away from those I love but have disappointed me the most.

So i guess my answer to all my frustration is a bit of rebellion. Ive been wanting a tattoo sleeve forever. I just think its so badass & i could totally rock one. So i’m getting tatted up on Thursday. Just my inner bicep as a start. We’ll see if I get more. But i’m getting tatted by an amazing artist who I’ve been following for sometime. And i’m super excited. More importantly it’s just my way to tell life that i’m still in control. I want more. And that there has to be something better for me.


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Something is missing….

It’s these random thoughts that run through my mind about what’s missing in my current dating relationship.

My best friend thinks it’s a title. Maybe it is. But I think it’s more. I know I am ready for more than what we have and maybe he is and maybe it’s me saying that I’m not ready that’s keeping him from making it official but I honestly think its more. I honestly don’t think he’s ready. I think, even though he might be over her, he’s not over the hurt he put her through. And maybe I’m overcompensating by seeing him too often. But I kinda wish we could just talk without either one of us hurting the other. Or being afraid of what we really want to say.

If I could get the opportunity… I would say: I’m ready for whatever our future holds for us. I know that I’ve only known you for a couple month but I can see a future with you. I want you in my life for a long time and maybe that long time is forever but right now I can’t picture life without you. But I honestly don’t think your ready. I don’t think you can give me everything I need right now. You need to LET GO of whatever she’s done to you in the past because it’s not me. I won’t do that to you and if you can’t see it now. I don’t know if you ever will. I can’t wait for you to make up your mind it’s only hurting me more. And nights like these where we text all night & the minute I call you & you don’t answer makes me think & overthink my decisions. You’re a great guy who I think would be so much better if you could see what you really deserve instead of holding back. And maybe I’m not what you deserve but either way. You need to let go. And my only hope is that you don’t realize that as I’m walking out the door. Because once I’ve given up, you won’t be able to get me back.

I’ve had too much to drink. But truth be told. I deserve better!!!


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I’ve become an unproductive mess today. We don’t even have a title and I’m already getting hurt. Should this be my first real RED flag? It’s a constant battle with trying to keep my emotions in check with this guy. I truly care about him and think we could be amazing together if he can just let go.

Since technically I’m still single. My mom decides that she wants to set me up with a doctor who lives close to her. It’s not even like I agreed or anything but I mentioned it to SMALLZ and he’s obviously missing the most important part of this all which was the fact that I didn’t agree to go and that even though we don’t have a title I’m still strictly exclusive to him. I was being brutally honest about everything with him but now I’m starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe there are somethings that I should learn to filter and as long as its not hurting him then he shouldn’t know about it. But is that truly being honest. How can he even act this way considering we are just dating and he’s just as open to date as I am. Maybe I should just have that talk with him about where we stand. If you consider yourself single, then you are open to date and date as much as you want. I guess if we flip this and he was telling me that he was going on a date then I might react the same. But if we set some guidelines like we don’t have a title and until then we both can date as much as we want. But then I think, he has trust issues. Will me dating only push him away and I could lose this great guy.

But after talking more about the issue with him, He keeps bringing about his past and how his exes would get during conversation points. I AM NOT YOUR PAST. I AM NOT THEM NOR WILL I EVER BE. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to keep analyzing me against them and expecting me to react the same as them. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. It’s the same for him. I like him for him. I don’t compare. I don’t wait for him to act the same as any of my exes because he is his own person. If I constantly kept comparing him to my exes then why even date because right off the bat its doomed. If he can’t let go of his past, we are constantly gonna have problems. And I can’t be in a relationship like this. Its been close to two months and I know now that he’s been holding back so much and not talking to me because he still just can’t let go.

And when I keep thinking about this. I should date more. I should see what else is out there because if I keep getting attached, I’m gonna get my heartbroken.


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The thirst is real ladies… Its real!!

It seriously amazes me how thirsty men can get. YPSI today started from 9am wanting to know when he can see me. And mind you not, this happens every single day with him. He asks politely if I’m free tonight then goes on and on about how much he wants to see me. It’s the only thing he talks about. He comes up with so many different ways he can ask the same question, “So what time will you be here tonight? So you’re coming for sure tonight right? Can I expect you tonight?” I’ll even get “C’mom babe or please baby.” Like really dude… Just stop!! Stop with the begging. I’m not coming to see you nor do I want to ever again. It’s become such a turn off that I can’t deal with him any more. And the worse part is he acts like I’m the only one he wants to see even though he he says he has a rotation. Again YPSI, you do not have a rotation!!! You do not act like this if women are just falling at your feet.

MEN a little word of advice.. We like the game as much as you do. Play hard to get. Make it look like your not her only option. Don’t sound desperate or needy or thirsty. Don’t act like a child that needs constant attention. You’re a grown ass man, start acting like it. And please, please make dating somewhat interesting. Or else seriously I’m buying a fucking cat tomorrow & posting pics of my on FB as the cat lady. It’s too damn easy and it’s pathetic.

I guess the biggest thing that worries me is that are there women out there that fall for these men & the bullshit lies they give them. Are there women out there who feed into this line of bullshit? Are there women who allow men to act like this, to act desperate? If so please stop! It doesn’t help any of us out there who have to put up with it. I’m officially done with YPSI… Not that there was ever anything there. But christ… WOMEN if a man only ask throughout a day’s conversation if you can come over to his house in the middle of the day or even late night… CONSTANTLY!!!! All he wants is ass. If he doesn’t want to feed you or get to know you. All he wants is sex. If you tell him that you can’t tonight, yet he keeps asking. Please please DO NOT FEED INTO THIS!! Be forward if you have to & tell him NO. I mean I get the booty calls & the casual sex of it all… I’m fine with all that. I appreciate all that. But the constant begging & asking is way to fucking much. IT NEEDS TO BE STOPPED!! This is why men get away with walking all over us. Put your foot down & say NO!! Imagine if he acts & begs like this to you, how many other women he is doing this to!!!



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in transit


Because all women have walked to their car in the dark, keys clutched tight in hand, one poking out between two fingers.

Because when I go out to bars or clubs, I have to think about whether what I’m wearing is too suggestive, instead of putting on whatever I please.

Because I feel the need to apologize when I’m not wearing makeup or my hair hasn’t been washed, or when I’m generally looking anything other than flawless.

Because there was nothing I could do about the man who touched me inappropriately in the middle of Gillette Stadium as I waited for my then-boyfriend to come out of the bathroom. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STADIUM.

Because there was also nothing I could do when a man touched me inappropriately in the middle of a crowded street, his arm around his girlfriend. Because retaliating in the way I wanted to…

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Maybe it wasn’t her!!

As I sit here & wait for an answer, my thoughts are on overdrive!! I wanted to ask him this question yesterday but I felt like it might have been the wrong time. He was at a music festival and I didn’t want to be that girl that ruined his fun. But I just can’t keep letting my thoughts from running wild, I need answers and I need them now.

As I told you, I’m on a dating app. I randomly checked yesterday because I needed a distraction and I noticed that I can’t find him any more. So one he either blocked me or deleted his account. If you blocked me… Why? Why talk to me everyday if you planned on blocking me!! If you deleted your account… Why wouldn’t you tell me or mention it to me knowing that I might go back in there and check. It just seems so sketchy to me. Why wouldn’t you just mention it to me knowing that I live in my head and that right now I’m going nuts with different scenarios. And now it has me wondering… Maybe it wasn’t all her that caused problems in their relationship maybe it had to do with him too. I mean I get that we are not exclusive and you don’t have to tell me anything but I’m gonna need you to communicate with me or else my thoughts are going to take over. Maybe his lack of communication lead her to do some of the things she did to him. Maybe his lack of interest to her needs or her emotions everyday lead her do some of the things that she did to him. Since we are not around each other as often as I would like, I feel like I’m not going to completely see the whole picture of what it’s like to be around him all the time. And if I’m starting to think that I can’t handle all this aloofness, imagine what it would be like everyday. Would he still distance himself from me? Would I be enough for him?

I am just starting to grow some really feelings and attachment. I can start picturing a future with him where before I could never ever imagine it again with anyone. And I’m scared. I’m scared of the possibility. I’m scared of getting hurt & trampled on again. I’m scared of falling in love again. I’m scared of what the future can hold for me.

I honestly feel like I need a break from it all (my thoughts, my obsessions, guys) & i think today would be a great start. I need some time alone spent with those that are in my life daily. The rest can go take a flying leap because I dont have the energy for it all today.


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Why is it an issue for a man if a woman wants to pay?

I don’t fucking get it. If I’m financially stable and want to take you somewhere or pay for dinner, why am I getting shit for this? Why am I hearing “because I am a man” shit? Really dude… come on… pound on your chest some more. I don’t get this. I am always gonna be financially stable no matter what I do in life. It’s who I am as a person. It’s who I need to be as a person. So please explain to me why this is such a big fucking deal? If I ask you to go somewhere with me and not worry about any of the details, why can’t you just do it. Why over think this? I know you aren’t gonna take advantage of me because I won’t let it happen. I’m not naive. I would never be anyone’s sugar momma nor plan on financially supporting him. But for the love of god, if I want to do something for you like this. Please just say yes and fucking don’t think about anything else. I can’t take the money with me when I die… I would rather spend it living my life to the fullest. And if I invite you along, just enjoy the ride.

With that being said, yes I agree with majority, men should pay for dates especially the first date. As a man, you better pick up that check on the first date. If you don’t my first instinct would be you’re either putting me in the friend zone off the bat or you’re a cheap ass who asked me out on a date but couldn’t afford to pay for my meal. And talking about first dates, it’s so much better if the guy plans everything. Just plan it, every single detail. Surprise her, pamper her, open car doors for her (in and out of the car), smell good, etc; for me it’s such an instant appeal when I guy goes over the top for me especially on the first date. The little things should still continue on after the first date, but the first date is your first impression and for me it’s you showing me a little bit of your world that your willing to share with me.  After the first date, I think men should still pay for dates especially ones on special occasions but women should also be able to pay without getting any lib from the guy. I feel like if I can afford to pay for some dates, please let me. For me its a comfort thing, I feel as though if you are with someone and it’s going somewhere and he makes you happy, then what’s mine is yours. Let me pay because i know the next one, you’ll pay. And if fighting for the check is gonna be a constant battle, it becomes a huge turn off for me.

I am just so frustrated right now. I keep second guessing myself with this guy. I know I want him and we could have so much fun together. But right now, he’s holding back. What he is holding back on I have no idea. I am going to continue to do me until he figures that out. If I lose him along the way, I’ll be bummed and heartbroken but it was probably all for the better. Just please, for the one time, if you are reading this, if a woman want to do something for you, let her, even if money if an issue for you. Let her do this for you. Let her feel like she can without you fighting her every step of the way. Let’s hope it gets better for me. It can only get better right??


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Am i getting friend zoned?


I am so frustrated right now not only mentally but also sexually (GIF attached is how I feel right now)… How long should I wait before I give up on a new guy? SMALLZ and I talk everyday and all day long. It’s been over a week since I’ve seen him and he hasn’t even mentioned that he wants to see me again. How am I suppose to take this? Is he still interested? Or am I getting friend zoned? I mean sex was amazing. And I want more but I feel like I have to spell it out for him. But then I feel like I am just gonna get turned down. I definitely know that I just can’t be friends with him knowing how good sex was. If he has trust issues, can I really go and fuck someone else? I mean we definitely aren’t anything but just talking. But if he finds out that I was with someone else, all his trust will be gone with me. Will he ever find out tho? I need sex though I’m going crazy. I am being such a fucking girl right now and over thinking like I always do. I’m just gonna back off today with all the messages. Let him figure out what he wants or what it would be like without me. And if I am being friend zoned… Do I ask him this? We haven’t even face timed since last week nor has be asked. WTF is going on. Maybe our relationships ended before it began.


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I got caught up… forgive me.

It’s funny how one person’s futuristic thoughts can completely change the way you think. So I’m apologizing now… I got caught up and starting feeling a certain way that was way to soon. I keep reading all these other blogs that definitely put me back into check. So thank you to all of you that I follow, you guys helped me realize that there are so many others out there. I am not chasing any guy no matter how good we are together. I am not settling again for anything less than I deserve. I am single and need to explore my options.

I guess my biggest complain is why can’t guys just stop being so emotional and not read into anything too much. That’s one of the greatest advantages of being a girl, if we want sex we can get it any time we want. It just really depends on the guy we are looking to get, obviously every girl has standards, we won’t fuck just anyone. But with a guy, its much more difficult. A guy just can’t walk into any bar and expect to get laid. Only women have this power. But if a woman approaches you for no strings attach sex, don’t think about it. Just do it. Girls  want sex as much as guys do. And lately since I’ve been single it’s gotten worse. I feel as though I need to buy some new toys so that I’m not a walking horn ball. I just want to find one satisfying continual no strings attached fuck. Why is it so difficult??

So with that being said, the previous guy that I spoke about that had potential. Was definitely not a nice guy. He never called after I let him fuck me for over an hour in complete silence. At one point it was so quiet that I starting singing to myself in my head. He probably thought I was bat shit crazy but I have never slept with anyone that was so fucking quiet in my life. It was so hard to get into. For me, it’s such a complete turn on when a guy can be completely into it with me and be just as verbal. Any ways, back to mr. previous potential but never in a million years, lets call him YPSI. YPSI has gone from nonexistent to now wanting to fuck again. He wants to put me into his “rotation,” come on dude. We all know you don’t have a rotation. Don’t act like you have girls crawling after you when I’ve already slept with you once. It was not that great, if anything, it was pretty boring. Unless these girls do not know any better, he only wishes he had a rotation. If I do go back and fuck him it’s because I’m bored and need a steady booty call. But he’s so awkward in bed. Is it bad that I only plan to use him for sex, even if its not that great? Should I set ground rules? I feel like girls are better at keeping just a booty call without catching feelings. I think guys think they can handle this but at some point they can’t. I can honestly say that I’ve never had a booty call that hasn’t caught feelings or some form of attachment. But I’m gonna have to train YPSI in order to keep me satisfied. He can definitely get me wet by texting me but he’s so different in person which is kind of disappointing.

Only advice… If you get a booty call or be someone’s booty call. Keep it simple, don’t complicate things. It’s just sex and if it’s just sex… please make it good.

But I’m still holding out on SMALLZ because that was incredible sex that I could definitely keep around for a long time.


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Baggage carrying over…

Baggage, I guess first, lets define baggage. Baggage for me represents something in your past that you just can’t let go of. It could be hurt, jealously, trust issues, sadness, etc. Anything really that stops you from being who you really are. Baggage could also represent children or an ex-wife/husband that is always in the way or gets into your business way too much. Children doesn’t really affected me so much as emotional baggage does.

In every new relationship, I feel like baggage is expected. But there are proper ways of dealing with baggage, I guess, without it affecting the new relationship. For example, my previous relationship as many of you know was horrible. I was treated much less than I deserved and I put up with it because I settled. But I would not bring any of that hurt into a new potential relationship. It was not the new person’s fault for  what any of my exes did to me nor do I expect them to understand what I’ve been through. It’s easier, for me at least, to never talk of it ever to anyone new guy in my life. I recently started talking to a guy, we’ll nickname him SMALLZ, who has true potential and who I’m having so much fun with. But he has baggage and lots of it. When he truly lets go of it and puts his wall down in front of me, I see this spark in him that truly gets me excited. But for me, what ruins it is the more he speaks about his past relationships the more I get turned off especially his most recent one. She has truly damaged an amazing guy. This should be a typical rule for everyone, that exes should never be talked about like they are still present or mention then as your girlfriend. Talking about your exes is a complete  NO NO, should never ever be brought up. Everything else about him is amazing but I truly wish I could take away the pain that his ex has brought on him because he is genuinely a great guy who has so many qualities that would make anyone fall in love with him. I mean don’t get me wrong your past definitely teaches you to be a better person and somewhat defines you, but until you let go of it, it will continue to bring you down. He talks about his ex so much that I sometimes feel as though he is still not over her and it bums me out because I truly do like him. I feel like he is so closed off and suffering so much inside that there is no real way of reaching him. But can I really punish him for still dealing with his baggage or do I just let him go. At this point, we still talk all day and will FaceTime for all hours of the night. But lately, since I’ve seen him last, the talking and FaceTime has gotten less and less. And as he brings up his past and how conflicted he is, I feel like he is not ready for any type of relationship and he is still not over her as much as he says he is. And I can’t move forward with him.  As many great things there are about him, I think I need to step back and let him figure things out. But for me this is going to be extremely hard because I know I will be letting go of one of the first guys that I have truly been excited about in a long long time.

Women/Men… Don’t bring your ex up or any of your exes up in any new relationship. Don’t compare him/her to your ex. And definitely listen to your inner gut feeling about a guy/girl if he/she is still caught up with their past baggage. Don’t bring any past issues like trust and jealous into the new relationship because your only punishing them for something that your ex did to you.  If he/she asks about your past, just make it brief and to the point. Don’t elaborate and don’t give more information that actually needed or asked. The new relationship will only suffer if you continue to bring them down along side your baggage that you can’t let go of.  And more importantly, DONT RUIN A PERSON FOR SOMEONE ELSE. If you don’t want to be with them let them go. The more hurt you cause on them, the more damage they will be for someone else. And that in turn will come back full circle to you. I truly believe that baggage is something that can be avoidable and the only way it can’t is children. There are so many others out there that have less baggage that will be truly committed in making you happy. And if you can’t get over the new person’s baggage, then move on.

And to the SMALLZ, I know that I said I wouldn’t write about you. But you know I live in my head and know that this is the only way I can get everything out. I like you a lot and you truly are an amazing guy who deserves the world. You deserve happiness and true love that your past hasn’t shown you. I wish I could be this person for you and show you everything that your missing out on but I can’t until you let go of whatever your holding on to.  Don’t let your past or your continual struggle define you now as a person. Let it go and move on. It gets better if you let it and be positive about your future. If not for me, of the next person you decide to bring into your life. I’m still going to fight for you but eventually that fight will go away and I will want someone who can offer me more than what you can give me.

I guess my story with SMALLZ is TBA…..




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